Scene Queens Suck

I love how the least original army of followers insist on claiming to be original and unique.  Scene Queens all look the same.  Bad hair, bad make up, retarded accessories, and pictures of them showing off their playful and unique personalities by doing something weird that has already been done before.

Scene Queens, if you really want to do something shocking and original that would set you apart from the other Scene Queens who all look exactly the same, get a job, sport a natural hair color, and accessorize like an adult.

Becoming An Awesome Emo

The first no-so-secret secret to being Emo is the hair.  The defining quality of the Emo is the perfectly inconvenient quaff.  

   Be sure to use plenty of environmentally harmful chemicals, such as aerosol hairspray, heavy metal dyes, synthetic hair extensions, latex based glue (to glue the hair extensions to your head), and a variety of other products that probably involve some form of animal sacrifice. 
   The perfect Emo 'do very much resembles the formerly popular Mullet.  The Emo hairstyle is a sort of modern evolution of the classic Mullet.  One major discrepancy between the two, is that, in order to properly master the Emo 'do, the bangs must obscure at least 30% of the face.  This is not negotiable.
   This brings me to the next secret to pulling off the perfect Emo look; Use every tool at your disposal to further obscure your face!  This is vital to creating the illusion of cuteness. 

   You can even use this tactic to showcase your uniqueness and originality, because in an army of 15 year olds who all have the same hair cut, the battle for individuality is never ending.
    The next thing to remember about successfully hiding your ugly mug is make up.  Another Emo trademark, and effective method of hiding a black eye, is the eye Spackle.

    'Nuff said.
     Back to accessorizing.  Since most 15 year olds are on a pretty strict budget of around $20 a week, providing that they clean their room and do the dishes, affording adequate accessories can be quite difficult.  Welcome to the sunny world of Kleptomania!!! That's right, you little Kleptos, I was 15 once too.
       Next up, androgyny.  Always keep them guessing!     

      I'm not gonna lie, I have no idea what I'm looking at here.  Is it a boy and a girl?  Two boys? Two girls??? A girl and a bear dressed up to look like another girl in hopes of steeling food from her?  Whatever the case, gender bending is just another Emo shenanigan.
        For some reason, these youngsters insist on wearing more make up than a moderately priced hooker, but at the same time, infantilizing themselves by accessorizing excessively with Hello Kitty.  A bizarre contradiction, indeed.

    The train-wreck pictured above is also making use of the Obscure Your Face rule.
     So, you've got the look, now its time to express yourself with words and dumb things that you write on the palm of your hand.  Remember, the term Emo is short for "emotional", so don't forget to include threats of suicide, self mutilation and heartbreak in your poetry.


         Now, in a brave attempt, I have gone where no self respecting adult has gone before... I became an Emo...
Before:

After:

Everyone @ The Chive Hates Me

So, I made commentary on The Chive regarding the ugliness of  the "SEXY CHIVETTES" post in which readers submit images of themselves being hot.  Normally, this post is very arousing and sexy. Today, however, it was barfy and "buttery".  Pretty much everyone started replying to my comments, calling me insecure and "why aren't you up here?". I replied with wit and vocab and aimed the focus at the fact that this week's edition had nothing to do with hotties.  It did however, have everything to do with butterfaces and chubbies.  I am being hated on so severely that I've received comments from, presumably ugly chicks, referring to my forehead as a "fivehead".  I am not phased in the least by this, as I am aware that a large forehead is considered to be an attractive trait, and I know that the term, "fivehead" is stolen from the show "Its Always Sunny in Philedalphia":   Which brings me to my next point; Stop hating on me for being hilarious and hot! It doesn't slight me in the least when you tell me that I have a large forehead. I am aware of this.  And, like I said, this is a positive attribute, as a small forehead causes one to resemble a neanderthal.  "Sexy Chivettes " sucked this week!!  The post should have been called "Butterfaces Extraordinaire".  Good God...... Uggos

This chick look s like the love child of Rumer Willis and Kelly Osborne.  If she lets go of them, they will hit the floor before you can say"WTF". Omg, I've seen enough breasts to know how this ends... and its not good..

She has apparently lost a lot of weight, but she is still hiding a lot of weight behind that button up. Her face looks like crap, and her body still looks like Octo-Mom...

WOW! REALLY?!??!?? this chick is hilariously butterfacesd.  She has amazing, assumingly fake, boobs... But everything else looks like crap.  Good job, you showed us a moderately pleasing cleavage area. -ps, her mid-section indicates that she recently had a child...naturally... This means that her vag is also crap.

Now this is just cruel.  She woke up, used her Proactive Acne Treatment, and got on the web cam to talk to her out of state girlfriend, and you exploited her frumpiness for our own entertainment. That's not nice.

For more info, hit up The Chive...

This Is Why I Think Fergie Is Retarded

                                                                           "Derp!"

Fergie Sent Her Less Evil Twin To Preform For Her On American Idol

Fergie showed up to preform on American Idol wearing a poorly fitting mask, which slightly resembles her old face, but mostly just looks like she's having an allergic reaction.  I thought she looked horrifying before, but Fergie's new face is a frightening reminder that things can always get worse...

The making of a Plastic Surgery Horror Show...

Update: Fergie's Girl Scout Extravaganza Gets Worse

Something to notice; I just spelled "extravaganza" correctly (I'm just saying..).  

Anyways, I thought things couldn't get worse for Fergie when I saw her Girl Scout get-up... But I found an even more gross pic of her in this costume. Enjoy!

Why is this a human face?!?!?!?

Stacy Ferguson, I Want To Throw Garbage On Your Crazy A$$ Face

Fergie's eyebrows look like crap... As noted previously in this blog, they are the result of plastic surgery, which makes them even more gross... Fergie, this is not an "Ugly Competition", its a "Pretty Competition"!!! And you are losing! 

-Ps; Fergie is nasty...

I Found Fergie's Long Lost Twin

I found Fergie's long lost twin in the drunk tank at the local police station...

Not an exact match... But based on the gross-ness factor, they are in the same league.

Kirstie Alley Has Enough Things To Be Ashamed About

Kirstie Alley has enough things to be ashamed about... Comparing her to Fergie just makes her eat more butter.

I am officially apologizing to Miss Kirstie Alley... But not Fergie.  No, Fergie deserves this...

Fergie Is The Ugliest Girl Scout I've Ever Seen

Why did this happen?

• Question number 1; Why is a 50 year old man wearing a Girl Scout uniform?

• Question number 2; Why is The Grinch wearing a tiara AND a Girl Scout uniform?

• Question number 3; Fergie is gross... (not really a question)

Steven Tyler Doing His Own Fergie Impression

Ke$ha's Wacky Body In A Bikini

Alright, here are some past photos of Ke$ha (aka, the Poor Man's Gaga) in a bikini.  I'm going to warn you, things don't look too good...

Okay, so that was pretty bad... I simply cannot wrap my brain around what the f*ck is going on with her body!?!  

    Well, the Poor Man's Gaga was spotted again, prancing around in a bikini... And this time, things looked even more grim...

Omg!  Her body is so strange!  Why does it look like that?!?!?  Why does a chick in her early 20's look like this???  She has access to personal trainers, private chefs, plastic surgery, all kinds of drugs that make you skinny!!!  She could make millions of dollars if she maintained a hot body!  That's plenty of motivation if you ask me...Ugh, at least it makes me feel less shame for my own bikini bod.

Fergie Reminds Me Of Beetlejuice

Okay, maybe it's not uncanny, but they are both gross.

Fergie Is a Troll

Fergie is a Troll.  That is all.

Heidi Montag's New Face Sucks Worse Than Her Old One

Heidi Montag is annoying, crazy, and clinging to some kind of fame that has very little value.  Since I dislike her stupid brain, I am sharing images of her stupid face, because she obviously doesn't give a sh*t about her brain anyways.  

* Heidi crying with her old face:

 

 Gross.

*Heidi attempting to cry with her new face:

Wow, that face ain't going nowhere!  A good face is formed on a solid foundation of plastic parts, fillers, and fat injections.  That face could survive a tornado.  Honestly, not too shocked that the surgeon who did this to her died in a car accident while tweeting about his tiny dog.

Fergie Looks Like The Grinch

I just thought of this, and I figured I would share what's on my mind... Fergie looks like The Grinch.

Yup, I'd say she's a dead ringer for The Grinch.  This year, it was actually Fergie who stole Christmas.